My heart hurts today, My brain hurts today.
It's such a heard feeling to describe really, this feeling of losing hope. It's kind of like the feeling you get when you have held your breath as long as you can and you need to take that breath, but you can't for whatever reason. Your lungs start to burn, your stomach contracts and cramps. It feels like you are being weighed down, held down against your will and slowly being crushed.
Who ever said it was easier to conceive after you have had a child is a lying sack of crap.
I have a hard time whining on the boards because I do have a beautiful healthy DD and a lot are still trying for #1, I can empathize with them though it was no cake walk to get DD and I never went for testing or tried to figure out if there was anything wrong, I was ignorant on the way my body works (still am to a point). I was so stubborn and strong willed I didn't want help (still am stubborn). I self diagnosed myself as infertile and swore that I couldn't have kids ever, and cried my tears and shoved my dreams of a family aside and started working on me. Then I got her, my Sweet Pea.
It just makes it hard to offer any support to someone hurting because they haven't conceived yet. I know how that place feels though.
Just because I have a child doesn't make this hurt any less, I don't let these emotions come out often and usually keep them tightly bottled. I show no weakness in front of my family. I keep moving forward, struggling on the inside, alone.
I know DH cares and he would be supportive if I let him be. I just don't want to make him worry and stress out though.
I wan to be told it's ok for me to be sad and angry, for me to express how much I hate feeling this way. On top of all of the TTC issues. My weight is causing me to feel undesirable and has killed my drive. I have been walking too and from work for almost 3 fucking weeks and I gained over 2lbs. I need a break from life I swear. I feel like I am just trying and trying and NOTHING FUCKING CHANGES ANYTHING!
I should have went in Nov 2011 when I hit a year.
Now over 2.5 years later I am starting to feel that burn in my lungs again.
I want to cry my eyes out and just fall apart.
I can't.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Wish I could wrap you in a hug :(
ReplyDeleteThank you so much I appreciate you so much.
DeleteI'm so sorry, hon. There is nothing wrong with being upset at secondary IF. You are having a rough time, but I don't believe in the pain olympics. You are hurting now, and that's ok! I just want to offer you love and support! I hope tomorrow is a better day!!
ReplyDeleteI know FooFoo, its hard sometimes though because I think people resent sometimes(even without meaning too). It just adds to the weight sometimes.
DeleteI may be trying for #1 still, but that doesn't mean we don't both want the same thing so badly it hurts. This is one hell of a journey, you have every right to feel everything you do and you shouldn't feel bad about that, or like you aren't entitled to those feelings - you are. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. Know that you have people in your corner that are rooting for you and are here for you. Sending lots of hugs your way!!
ReplyDeleteThank you jaytee. ::hugs back:: Usually I am pretty stoic, I am just blubbery later. It feels good to just let it out. With as heavy as I have been feeling lately I think I am due for a huge ugly cry in the shower.
Delete