Guilt

I have a lot of guilt built up because the nature of my pregnancy and I have never been able to really get rid of it. As you can see in my previous post I didnt know I was excpecting til I only had 2 months left. When I found out I was in such shock and disbelief, even when I had my ultrasound. I could hardly focous for the waves and waves of salty tears leaking from my eyes, tears of hapiness and guilt, hapiness because I have wanted to be a mother for so long and for years thought I would never get the chance. Guilt because, I drank, and there were some nights it was pretty heavy. Guilt because how could I NOT know I was pregnant? even though I never had any signs that I was aware of then, looking back on it now...well I can see the signs now. Guilt and worry for the health of my child, was she going to be ok? Doctors said no way to tell if she would have FASD. Which was my number 1 concern. Day by day I am learning that I can only control so much and Makaia, thankfully is perfect and healthy, its possible she may show signs of FASD in the future, there is no safe amout of alcohol during pregnancy. I know this and if Makaia has any FASD issues later on we will overcome the obstacle when we get there. Like I said she is perfect and healthy and thriving.

I have to learn how to forgive, me. I didnt know and if I had you can bet your ass I never would have drank a drop. We cant go back so all I can do is take it as it comes.