In a Flash

36 months have rolled by each more uneventful than the next. I almost thought we may have had a chance this last cycle because I actually had crosshairs on CD15 and pretty god timing. It's hard when you feel un desirable to get in the mood to try and act seductive, haha more like cher on Clueless when she falls flat on her face off the bed. I am now on CD87, seriously body what the fuck is the malfunction!?!

I however told Zachary I am going back to the gym and getting back on track. I can't stand myself right now. I feel ridiculously disgusting, yet I can't keep myself from devouring every fucking thing I see. No will power what. so . ever. I don't know what my problem is. Ever feel like you were so far in a rut that you coldn't get out ?!? I feel that way at least a a couple days a week. Ever feel like you wanted to ugly cry everyday? Ever feel like even though people support you your still out in your little dingy in a vast empty ocean of lonliness?

I have also been very moody lately. People have begun to really annoy me with their lack of understanding about how SIF effects an individual. It's not cut and dry. It is multifaceted, you go through so many emotions and for me guilt is the huge one I battle with.

QUIT TELLING ME TO BE HAPPY , AND "AT LEAST YOU HAVE A CHILD" FUCK YOU! I AM THANKFUL, EVERYDAY BUT MY HEART ISN'T COMPLETE AND NOWBODY GETS TO DICTATE MY FEELINGS. I DON'T DO THE PAIN OLYMPICS HERE. BUT DON'T TRY TO SHUT ME UP OR MINIMIZE WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH. IF YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO RESPOND JUST SAY SO! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH.

It also sucks being compared to those going through primary infertility. Both hurt end of story. I want to rip my fucking hair out. I just want to be able to flip out and get out all my negative energy and fall into an exahausted slumber.

Sometimes I wish I didn't want it this bad.

That the one beautiful baby I have was the only one I wanted, but to tell my heart that is a lie and I can't make my heart believe it. There is an ache that always thumps in my heart, that is my #2's space, and I can't will it away.

I am tired of being a basket case.

I used to be sweet and fun to be around. Always positive. I am not that person anymore. I am jealous and bitter and envious.

This shit is for the birds.